What is the purpose of life? Some say, the pursuit of happiness. But, according to psychologist Fr. Dennis Paez, SDB, the pursuit of happiness is an egoistic/selfish life. Instead of finding one's happiness, try making somebody else happy. Chances are you will have peace and joy.
Buhay na may kabuluhan or the pursuit of meaning is what we should strive for. Happiness is the consequence of having found meaning. This was the message of Fr. Dennis at this year's retreat at the San Carlos Seminary in Guadalupe, Makati City.
Andrew Matthews in one of his many Happy books says that in order for us to live a happy life, we must learn to accept things, good or bad and live with it. Matthews even ventured to say that one shouldn't call things good or bad, but to just accept it as is, without any label.
Even Eastern philosophy, Taoism teaches the same thing. Not to fight, but to accept what life offers. And who hasn't heard of Dale Carnegie's oft-repeated phrase, have lemons, make lemonade. Turn something bitter or sour into something sweet because t's not what we get in life but how we deal with what we have that matters.
Psychologists and sociologists say that 80% of what happens in our life depends on how we respond to the 20% of what happens in our life.While it is true that we have no control of the 20% (like the family we were born into), we do have a choice on how to respond and manage the rest of the bigger chunk.
Going back to the Salesian priest, he presented five established and unchanging truths in life that we have to live by, according to him for a happy, fulfilled and meaningful life. These are what he calls the immutable givens and let me explain using my experiences as example:
Psychologists and sociologists say that 80% of what happens in our life depends on how we respond to the 20% of what happens in our life.While it is true that we have no control of the 20% (like the family we were born into), we do have a choice on how to respond and manage the rest of the bigger chunk.
Going back to the Salesian priest, he presented five established and unchanging truths in life that we have to live by, according to him for a happy, fulfilled and meaningful life. These are what he calls the immutable givens and let me explain using my experiences as example:
1. Things do not always happen according to plan.
I have a long list of plans which didn't push through. So what? There are also a lot of things that happened in my life which I didn't plan but came to be --things I never thought I'd do, places I never thought I'd get to and the kind of person I never thought I'd be. Like becoming a renewed Charismatic.
When I was a kid, I told myself, I'll never be one of those handraising overeager sunshiney faces worshipping in church. I'll just play it cool. I don't know what hit me back then and why I said it. But 30 or so years later, I am not just an attendee of Bro. Bo Sanchez's The Feast under the Light of Jesus Family, but am also playing important roles.
And my life would have never been this great if I remained a nominal Catholic. I am still a Catholic but a more passionate one. More than that, I have a better and closer relationship with God, my family and friends and am living a wonderful happy life.
When things don't go my way, I tell myself, it's OK. It's not the end of the world. The best thing to do is to find the good in a situation which I think or find unfavorable. Finding the good in every situation, in every person and accepting undesirable things, people and situations, however difficult has become my habit. (All right, maybe not always but I try. Most times, I complain first.)
2. Life is not fair.
I did a good deed and so I expect to receive a reward. I didn't do anything wrong, why should I get punished?
More often than not, I feel entitled to something because I think I did a good job. Because I accomplished something on my own merit. (Or so, I think.) Thus, I think I deserve a pat in the back. When I don't get it, I feel hurt. I feel disturbed and even angry.
But, life is not fair. Instead of bearing grudges and directing negative emotions to people, I'm learning to just accept and get a move on with life.
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| My friends and co-servants at the Feast Bay Area Print Media Ministry |
When I was a kid, I told myself, I'll never be one of those handraising overeager sunshiney faces worshipping in church. I'll just play it cool. I don't know what hit me back then and why I said it. But 30 or so years later, I am not just an attendee of Bro. Bo Sanchez's The Feast under the Light of Jesus Family, but am also playing important roles.
And my life would have never been this great if I remained a nominal Catholic. I am still a Catholic but a more passionate one. More than that, I have a better and closer relationship with God, my family and friends and am living a wonderful happy life.
When things don't go my way, I tell myself, it's OK. It's not the end of the world. The best thing to do is to find the good in a situation which I think or find unfavorable. Finding the good in every situation, in every person and accepting undesirable things, people and situations, however difficult has become my habit. (All right, maybe not always but I try. Most times, I complain first.)
2. Life is not fair.
I did a good deed and so I expect to receive a reward. I didn't do anything wrong, why should I get punished?
More often than not, I feel entitled to something because I think I did a good job. Because I accomplished something on my own merit. (Or so, I think.) Thus, I think I deserve a pat in the back. When I don't get it, I feel hurt. I feel disturbed and even angry.
But, life is not fair. Instead of bearing grudges and directing negative emotions to people, I'm learning to just accept and get a move on with life.
It helps that I've stopped comparing myself with others. I don't have to have what every little new thing my friends have. When envy or jealousy strikes, I keep this in mind: My grass is as green as on the other side.
This is one of my favorite cartoon strip of Matthews about finding the good in every situation. :)
3. People are not always loving and loyal.
I am weak and vulnerable. When I get hurt, say because someone didn't keep his promise, I should try not to take it personally. And this does not pertain to romantic relationships alone but to all types of relationships. Parting is difficult and painful. But sometimes, it's what's best for both or all parties concerned.
The popular indie film, That Thing Called Tadhana comes to mind. That scene where Mace cries buckets because her boyfriend for 8 years broke up with her. Who can forget the line, "hindi na kita mahal, makakaalis ka na. Yung 8 years namin tinapos nya in 7 words."
(You don't know? You haven't seen it, why?)
But just like Mace, I realized that the sooner I accept my fate, the sooner I'll get on with my life and find a better path. In her case, a new lover.
In a situation like this, it helps for me to think that when a relationship ends, there is bound to be something better that's coming. You know, closed door, open windows. Again, see the good...
Also, I find comfort that God is always loving and loyal. Even when I'm not.
4. Everything changes and ends.
The day turns into day, the night into day every day. A bud today is a flower tomorrow and gone the next day. How fleeting! As they say, the only thing permanent in life is change. When I first encountered this phrase in high school, I thought to myself, how ridiculous and scary! But now that I think I am wiser, it makes sense and having been around for four decades on earth, I say, how true!
What is popular today, may not be popular tomorrow. The pop stars of today, maybe forgotten 10 or 20 years from now. I wonder if the Madonna songs I used to sing and dance to will still be popular to my grand kids? Maybe not. I doubt very much if my 7-year old niece even know her. Portia is into Taylor Swift and Katie Perry.
Everything changes and ends. This has taught me not to hold on to things and people. I remember when I was reading financial books, one of the insights that intrigued me is that the more I am attached to money, the more I'll lose it. And the author said, it applies to all things, including relationships. Which reminds me of "setting free the one you love and if he comes back he's yours."
But, I shouldn't be scared that nothing in this world is permanent. Because God is. God is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow and so is His Word.
5. Pain is a part of life; not a punishment.
This is one of my favorite cartoon strip of Matthews about finding the good in every situation. :)
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| "Why am I the lucky one?" Taken from Andrew Matthews's Happiness in a Nutshell |
3. People are not always loving and loyal.
I am weak and vulnerable. When I get hurt, say because someone didn't keep his promise, I should try not to take it personally. And this does not pertain to romantic relationships alone but to all types of relationships. Parting is difficult and painful. But sometimes, it's what's best for both or all parties concerned.
The popular indie film, That Thing Called Tadhana comes to mind. That scene where Mace cries buckets because her boyfriend for 8 years broke up with her. Who can forget the line, "hindi na kita mahal, makakaalis ka na. Yung 8 years namin tinapos nya in 7 words."
(You don't know? You haven't seen it, why?)
 |
| "Hindi na kita mahal, makakaalis ka na. Yung 8 years namin, tinapos nya in 7 words." |
But just like Mace, I realized that the sooner I accept my fate, the sooner I'll get on with my life and find a better path. In her case, a new lover.
In a situation like this, it helps for me to think that when a relationship ends, there is bound to be something better that's coming. You know, closed door, open windows. Again, see the good...
Also, I find comfort that God is always loving and loyal. Even when I'm not.
4. Everything changes and ends.
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| Early morning in Baler, Aurora |
The day turns into day, the night into day every day. A bud today is a flower tomorrow and gone the next day. How fleeting! As they say, the only thing permanent in life is change. When I first encountered this phrase in high school, I thought to myself, how ridiculous and scary! But now that I think I am wiser, it makes sense and having been around for four decades on earth, I say, how true!
What is popular today, may not be popular tomorrow. The pop stars of today, maybe forgotten 10 or 20 years from now. I wonder if the Madonna songs I used to sing and dance to will still be popular to my grand kids? Maybe not. I doubt very much if my 7-year old niece even know her. Portia is into Taylor Swift and Katie Perry.
Everything changes and ends. This has taught me not to hold on to things and people. I remember when I was reading financial books, one of the insights that intrigued me is that the more I am attached to money, the more I'll lose it. And the author said, it applies to all things, including relationships. Which reminds me of "setting free the one you love and if he comes back he's yours."
But, I shouldn't be scared that nothing in this world is permanent. Because God is. God is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow and so is His Word.
5. Pain is a part of life; not a punishment.
Too many of us, Fr. Dennis said go thru life thinking we are being punished by God when we encounter problems, accidents and disasters.
I used to be like that. When something bad happens, I'd ask, God, are you punishing me? I used to think like that because the God that I knew then was vengeful. Now, I think the only ones who think this are those who are not yet convinced of His unconditional love for us, His children.
While it is good that I run to the Lord when I am faced with challenges, I've learned to go to Him for comfort and guidance and not to blame or accuse Him of my misfortune. I have to bear in mind that pain is a consequence of my wrong choices. Pain is not always bad. There is value in it. It motivates me to strive harder, be successful and learn from my mistakes. As they say, there are more lessons to learn from our losing than winning moments.
I don't just have to accept pain when I encounter it in my life but the most important of all, I've to learn from it. Again, it's not a punishment but it's for me to learn something new and it's relevant to improve myself, to know myself more. The more I know myself, the more I know God because Fr. Dennis said, and I like what he said, that I am a piece of God. That "every person comes from God, is an incarnate soul and a divine piece of God." Wow!
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| My friends and co-servants at the Feast Bay Area Singles Ministry |
As I journey through life, it is inevitable that I will come across any of these immutable givens as I already have in the past. The wonderful thing to keep in mind is that, I have in my hand the choice to respond --the choice to get stuck or to move on. I have a choice to see the bad or the good. I have the choice to either hate or love.
