To Have a Meaningful Life: Accept the Immutable Givens

What is the purpose of life? Some say, the pursuit of happiness. But, according to  psychologist Fr. Dennis Paez, SDB, the pursuit of happiness is an egoistic/selfish life. Instead of finding one's happiness, try making somebody else happy. Chances are you will have peace and joy.


Buhay na may kabuluhan or the pursuit of meaning is what we should strive for. Happiness is the consequence of having found meaning. This was the message of Fr. Dennis at this year's retreat at the San Carlos Seminary in Guadalupe, Makati City.


Andrew Matthews in one of his many Happy books says that in order for us to live a happy life, we must learn to accept things, good or bad and live with it. Matthews even ventured to say that one shouldn't call things good or bad, but to just accept it as is, without any label.

Even Eastern philosophy, Taoism teaches the same thing. Not to fight, but to accept what life offers. And who hasn't heard of  Dale Carnegie's oft-repeated phrase, have lemons, make lemonade. Turn something bitter or sour into something sweet because t's not what we get in life but how we deal with what we have that matters.

Psychologists and sociologists say that 80% of what happens in our life depends on how we respond to the 20% of what happens in our life.While it is true that we have no control of the 20%  (like the family we were born into), we do have a choice on how to respond and manage the rest of the bigger chunk.


Going back to the Salesian priest,  he presented five established and unchanging truths in life that we have to live by, according to him for a happy, fulfilled and meaningful life. These are what he calls the immutable givens and let me explain using my experiences as example:

1. Things do not always happen according to plan.

My friends and co-servants at the Feast Bay Area Print Media Ministry

I have a long list of plans which didn't push through. So what? There are also a lot of things that happened in my life which I didn't plan but came to be --things I never thought I'd do, places I never thought I'd get to and the kind of person I never thought I'd be. Like becoming a renewed Charismatic.


When I was a kid, I told myself, I'll never be one of those handraising overeager sunshiney faces worshipping in church. I'll just play it cool. I don't know what hit me back then and why I said it. But 30 or so years later, I am not just an attendee of Bro. Bo Sanchez's The Feast under the Light of Jesus Family, but am also playing important roles.


And my life would have never been this great if I remained a nominal Catholic. I am still a Catholic but a more passionate one. More than that, I have a better and closer relationship with God, my family and friends and am living a wonderful happy life.


When things don't go my way, I tell myself, it's OK. It's not the end of the world. The best thing to do is to find the good in a situation which I think or find unfavorable. Finding the good in every situation, in every person and accepting undesirable things, people and situations, however difficult has become my habit. (All right, maybe not always but I try. Most times, I complain first.)


2. Life is not fair.

I did a good deed and so I expect to receive a reward. I didn't do anything wrong, why should I get punished?

More often than not, I feel entitled to something because I think I did a good job. Because I accomplished something on my own merit. (Or so, I think.) Thus, I think I deserve a pat in the back. When I don't get it, I feel hurt. I feel disturbed and even angry.

But, life is not fair. Instead of bearing grudges and directing negative emotions to people, I'm learning to just accept and get a move on with life.

It helps that I've stopped comparing myself with others. I don't have to have what every little new thing my friends have. When envy or jealousy strikes, I keep this in mind: My grass is as green as on the other side.

This is one of my favorite cartoon strip of Matthews about finding the good in every situation. :)

 "Why am I the lucky one?"
Taken from Andrew Matthews's Happiness in a Nutshell

3. People are not always loving and loyal.

I am weak and vulnerable. When I get hurt, say because someone didn't keep his promise, I should try not to take it personally. And this does not pertain to romantic relationships alone but to all types of relationships. Parting is difficult and painful. But sometimes, it's what's best for both or all parties concerned.

The popular indie film, That Thing Called Tadhana comes to mind. That scene where Mace cries buckets because her boyfriend for 8 years broke up with her. Who can forget the line, "hindi na kita mahal, makakaalis ka na. Yung 8 years namin tinapos nya in 7 words."

(You don't know? You haven't seen it, why?)

"Hindi na kita mahal, makakaalis ka na. Yung 8 years namin, tinapos nya in 7 words."

But just like Mace, I realized that the sooner I accept my  fate, the sooner I'll get on with my life and find a better path. In her case, a new lover.

In a situation like this, it helps for me to think that when a relationship ends, there is bound to be something better that's coming. You know, closed door, open windows. Again, see the good...

Also, I find comfort that God is always loving and loyal. Even when I'm not.


4. Everything changes and ends.

Early morning in Baler, Aurora

The day turns into day, the night into day every day. A bud today is a flower tomorrow and gone the next day. How fleeting! As they say, the only thing permanent in life is change. When I first encountered this phrase in high school, I thought to myself, how ridiculous and scary! But now that I think I am wiser, it makes sense and having been around for four decades on earth, I say, how true!


What is popular today, may not be popular tomorrow. The pop stars of today, maybe forgotten 10 or 20 years from now. I wonder if the Madonna songs I used to sing and dance to will still be popular to my grand kids? Maybe not. I doubt very much if my 7-year old niece even know her. Portia is into Taylor Swift and Katie Perry.


Everything changes and ends. This has taught me not to hold on to things and people. I remember when I was reading financial books, one of the insights that intrigued me is that the more I am attached  to money, the more I'll lose it. And the author said, it applies to all things, including relationships. Which reminds me of  "setting free the one you love and if he comes back he's yours."

But, I shouldn't be scared that nothing in this world is permanent. Because God is. God is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow and so is His Word.



5. Pain is a part of life; not a punishment.

Too many of us, Fr. Dennis said go thru life thinking  we are being punished by God when we encounter problems, accidents and disasters.


I used to be like that. When something bad happens, I'd ask, God, are you punishing me? I used to think like that because the God that I knew then was vengeful. Now, I think the only ones who think this are those who are not yet convinced of His unconditional love for us, His children.


While it is good that I run to the Lord when I am faced with challenges, I've learned to go to Him for comfort and guidance and not to blame or accuse Him of my misfortune. I have to bear in mind that pain is a consequence of my wrong choices. Pain is not always bad. There is value in it. It motivates me to strive harder, be successful and learn from my mistakes. As they say, there are more lessons to learn from our losing than winning moments.


I don't just have to accept pain when I encounter it in my life but the most important of all, I've to learn from it. Again, it's not a punishment but it's for me to learn something new and it's relevant to improve myself, to know myself more. The more I know myself, the more I know God because Fr. Dennis said, and I like what he said, that I am a piece of God. That "every person comes from God, is an incarnate soul and a divine piece of God." Wow!

My friends and co-servants at the Feast Bay Area Singles Ministry

As I journey through life, it is inevitable that I will come across any of these immutable givens as I already have in the past. The wonderful thing to keep in mind is that, I have in my hand the choice to respond --the choice to get stuck or to move on. I have a choice to see the bad or the good. I have the choice to either hate or love.

J'adore Paris!

I told the bus driver, I wanted to go to the Eiffel Tower. He didn't get me so I said Tour Eiffel (tourifel).
And he exclaimed, ah Tourifel!

I would say, the movies and books have greatly influenced me in my fascination for Paris, aside from it being a fashion capital. Every time, I see a movie set with the Eiffel Tower in the background, my eyes are glued on the screen instantly and I'd be daydreaming I was there.

Even in the 1900s, Paris was the rave of the middleclass and high society like Tolstoy's characters in Anna Karenina. My favorite hero Jose Rizal and friends went to Paris. He exclaimed that it's the costliest city in Europe. There's a plaza named after him at the 9th arrondisement.

I remember reading Little Women by Louisa May Alcott, and at that point where Amy goes to Paris, I told myself I had to be there too! 

My friends who have  visited the city before me were divided. Some said it's overrated, others claim it's a magical place.

Having been there recently, I agree with the second group. I say, every girl should go to Paris! Especially in January when the shops are all on sale. (Except for LV.) 

After asking fellow tourists to take my photo outside the LV shop, I picked a Rue (road) and turned my back at the shopping avenue lined with pretty shops with the prettiest enticing red sale signs. The best way to avoid temptation is to walk away.

I did enter LV shop though. I mean, I'm in Paris, why should I miss out on paying homage  to the Mothership!

I found the Mothership!

But I guess, it was too much to ask my fellow tourists to get me a good shot.

I also wanted a view of Champs Elysees at the background (which is to my left in the photo) but, this is all I've got. There were 3 other shots but this is the best. 

From Champs Elysees, I walked to one of the roads leading to River Seine. And this came to sight.

The beautiful Anglican church and some scribbles in the sky. Hah! I wanted to tug a stranger's arm and point to the sky like a little child seeing an airplane for the first time. But of course, I didn't and took out my phone and pointed and shoot instead.

Just a regular church apparently, or at least that's what I was told

I also saw the fashion house of Yves St. Laurent, where I spotted some statuesque designer assistants maybe in all-black ensemble, the unofficial official uniform of the fashion industry peeps. I thought I'd take a picture of the building but got intimidated by the dudes with alienish coiffed hair  wearing high-heeled heavy-looking boots and black capes like dark angels.

I felt like little red riding hood in the forest, alive and skipping and smiling. Of course, I didn't skip and didn't smile ear to ear when there were people nearby. Only when I was alone. I wanted to shriek, I'm in Paris! Me, moi a Paree! Or at least I think that's how they say it in French.

River Seine, view from the bus

It's an enchanting place and the guys are such gentlemen. Before getting there, I had this impression that Parisians are snobs but not anymore. Based on my experience, they are courteous and polite, greeting me "bonjour" or "bonsoir"! And very helpful too.

I got lost -  took the wrong bus, got in the wrong train, missed my stop, couldn't find my street, didn't know my way to this and that, got disoriented, should I go left or right. In those times, I asked for directions. And I never got a no (not unlike in, I won't say which city). The strangers,  I approached,  about 20 or so, whether they spoke English, French or body language, all helped me to find my way and with genuine concern.

Three French guys at different times helped me carry my luggage to climb up and down the stairs. This was when I came from the airport. I didn't even ask. Whenever I'd find myself in front of a flight of stairs, they would appear out of nowhere. They were my angels. I don't know how I could have managed without them. I could have but with a broken back.

My Airbnb host, Annick was such an amiable lady. It was like visiting an aunt, so caring and sweet. To think, it was my first time to meet her that cold January night. She cooked dinner for me on my first night, offered wine and what-have-you's, including her coat and shawl.  She also helped me with my luggage because her apartment was on the 4th floor and her stairs looked like this.

The apartment's beautiful wooden staircase

It was freezing cold outside. The lowest temperature when I was there was 5 degrees Celsius. Coming from a tropical country, that's the coldest I've ever experienced in my whole life. And to think, I was outside walking in the streets half the time I was in Paris for 5 days. That's why I loved coming home to my warm room. It had a vintage heater.

My lovely and cozy room

Find my 2 pieces of luggage - 1 blue, 1 orange

 And this is the view from my window, taken at 7am.

While waiting for my bus, I got to contemplate. So, this is how winter looks like, bald trees. Amazing, dead but not really. 

Dead, or rather sleeping trees

It drizzled at times.

Isn't it charming? Now, can you blame me if I adore Paris?

Are We But Sunday Christians?

This was the thought running in my head as I left church last Sunday.

When I look at the people inside the church looking all kind and holy, praying, singing to God, listening to the priest, saying "peace be with you," I can't help asking, where are these kind souls during the rest of the week? I don't see many of them during the rest of the week especially in crowded trains, or out on the streets in heavy traffic.

In these places, most of the people I see are grumbling, complaining and trying to get ahead of the others. 

Do we forget that we are children of God as soon as we are out of the church? That we are equals and not any better than the rest? That we ought to be nice to one another? And so, we are back in our ways - honking the car when someone blocks our way, pushing and shoving to get in the train?

And simple courtesies like greeting back the security guard welcoming us in the mall, looking at the face of a saleslady and replying a polite "no" if  she offers us something we're not interested in, thanking a fast food crew or a waiter for a glass of water served? 

Where are these good people? Do we transform to other beings when somewhere else or on other days, forgetting our manners?

Then it hit me, before I impose these things on others, I HAVE TO BE ONE. I have to be the one doing good, showing niceties and courtesies. If I don't get to change others, at least, I GOT TO CHANGE ME. 

Welcome to Paris!

Tour Eiffel

I've heard a lot of stories about the City of Lights! Some friends say, it's a magical place. Some say, so-so, nothing special, overrated. Some even warned me to be careful of pickpockets and especially because I was going alone, I would be an easy target. Huwatt??!!


Not only that.  a week before my flight to the City of Love, there was a terror attack wherein 12 people died at the Charlie Ebno magazine office.


I said to myself, the City of Lights is big. What are the chances that it's near where I'm staying at? Well, apparently, it was around Republique, about 5-minute walk to the apartment I reserved.


With my plane tickets and  Airbnb accommodation booked,  I chose to brave the city. I reasoned, the police will surely be on a heightened alert to prevent another attack. And the good thing, maybe the pickpockets will lie low because of police visibility.

Bridge over River Seine

Good thing that a few days before flying to Paris, I met up with my old  friend Joel  who loves the city with a capital L! And who's been planning to go back again since the time he visited in October. Did I say he loves Paris?


We met at a Parisian cafe called Paul, his choice, where I had macarons and tea, a prelude to what's in store for me at the City of Lights. He told me wonderful stories of his visit (on top of what he already long-messaged me on FB; thrice), where he went, what he ate, where he stayed. And I was charmed and it brought back my excitement to see this famed city.


I was so excited when I finally got to the airport as I kissed my sister and Dubai adieu. (I visited her; supposedly with my parents. But they couldn't fly with me so I went ahead. They followed after a month.)

But, the staff at the counter advised that the flight to Istanbul (for the connecting flight) was delayed by 2 hours or so. I got up so early only to be held up in the airport! Two words -- budget airline!

Anywho, I entertained myself by tinkering with my new Iphone (my sister's gift) while at the airport. Because the plane was delayed, I didn't make it to my connecting flight to Paris in time.

Arc de Triomphe

I had to kill time again in the cold Turkish city. As in snow cold. My first time to see actual snow, on the ground, piles of it.

When we boarded the plane, we had to take a bus, which us to the plane, which meant I was exposed outside the airport building and actually felt the harsh wind and cold, cold snow. Climbing up the stairs to the plane, I wanted to push everybody in front of me to get in right away. But alas, I was at the end. The last one to get in!

If it weren't for the delays, I would have been in my dream city by 130 pm. But I ended up arriving at 630 pm. That's half a day for touring gone. Sigh.

When the plane landed at Charles de Gaulle airport and we got out of the tube, we were greeted by policemen to check our passports. It was barely a week after the terror attack so it's understandable that the airport was manned by the police and military to replace immigration officers. I should point out though that the policeman who checked my passport was a tall and handsome chap.

When I scanned the airport and later the city, I noticed Parisian girls are lucky, they have a goodlooking police force. These are the times I say to myself, life is not fair!

I got out of CDG airport past 7pm. I took the metro, arrived at Goncourt station and walked a bit to the apartment. Welcome to Paris!

So this is the Eiffel Tower.